


I Won't Let It Fade Away

by enbyred



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, i just need taako talking about his trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:54:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23237293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbyred/pseuds/enbyred
Summary: Months after the Day of Story and Song, Angus discovers Taako having a breakdown.
Relationships: Angus McDonald & Taako
Comments: 7
Kudos: 151





	I Won't Let It Fade Away

The shattering of glass sounded from the kitchen, followed by a stifled whimper. Angus immediately set his book aside and stood to see what was going on. He and Taako were the only ones home, and Taako  _ never _ messed anything up in the kitchen.

Just before rounding the corner into the kitchen, Angus stopped. Taako was prideful. He wouldn’t want anyone to know about whatever just happened. He would be upset, embarrassed, and maybe even avoid Angus for a while because of it.

But as he listened to Taako’s quiet muttering and hidden cries, he knew he couldn’t stand there doing nothing.

Carefully, Angus stepped into the kitchen and saw Taako sitting on the floor, his head in his hands, surrounded by broken glass. His eyes were wide and he was muttering to himself between gasps for air. Angus stepped carefully around the glass, glad he had his shoes on, and was able to hear what Taako was saying as he got closer.

“-Merle, Magnus, Barry, Davenport, Lucretia, Angus, Kravitz, Lup, Merle, Magnus-”

He repeated those names over and over, and any time he faltered on a name, he would gasp in a sharp, almost pained, breath before  _ shouting _ their name, eyes squeezed shut as he pulled on fistfuls of his hair. Only when Angus reached Taako’s side did he realize that there were tears streaming down Taako’s cheeks.

Mindful not to touch him, Angus crouched down and quietly said, “Sir?”

Taako’s eyes shot open, like he didn’t realize Angus was there before that, and choked out a strained, “Angus.”

“I’m here, Sir,” he assured him, a hand gingerly resting on Taako’s knee. “What’s wrong? What do you need?”

Instead of getting a response, Taako quickly pulled him into a bone-crushing embrace. If there was one thing Angus knew about Taako, it was that he was never one for hugs. But it didn’t seem like he was searching for affection; it was like Taako was trying to prove to himself that Angus really was there. So Angus simply wrapped his own arms around him and hoped that his breathing would even out soon.

His muttering grew less frantic, but it continued nonetheless, repeating the eight names to himself over and over. It took several minutes, but eventually, he fell quiet, and his breathing slowed to a normal rate, interrupted only by his tears.

“Sir?” Angus tried again, still holding on. “Sir, what happened?”

He felt Taako shake his head as the grip around his middle loosened. Taako didn’t make eye contact when he wiped his eyes with his sleeve and mumbled, “Nothing, Ango. I’m fine. It’s fine.”

It had been several months since the Day of Story and Song. He had seen other members of the IPRE crew have panic attacks before. They all had more than their fair share of trauma (not everyone could claim to have died as many times as they all had, and be alive to tell the tale). Panic attacks were to be expected.

But not once in the months since the Day of Story and Song had he seen Taako break down like this.

Instead of pressing, Angus stood and gently pulled Taako to his feet and led him to sit at the table before he retrieved the broom to clean up the broken glass. Demanding that Taako tell him wouldn’t encourage him to say what was going on. And he didn’t have to say what was bothering him if he really didn’t want to, but something inside Angus - detective’s intuition, perhaps - was telling him that Taako really did need to talk about it.

He kept his eye on Taako as he silently cleaned, and saw that he was staring at the tabletop, his expression blank and his cheeks stained with the streaks of tears.

As Angus finished sweeping up the glass, miraculously managing not to cut himself, Taako finally broke the silence.

“Memory lapses can be...scary for me.”

Angus turned and looked at him. His expression was just a margin harder than it was a few moments ago, and his hands were balled into fists in front of him. 

Taking the seat next to him, Angus whispered, “I know.” After forgetting a century of his life, Angus would be more concerned if Taako wasn’t scared of forgetting things.

“Even if it’s for less than a second,” Taako continued, his voice smaller than Angus had ever heard it, “forgetting the name of someone close to me…”

So that was why he kept repeating everyone’s names. He wanted to be sure that he still  _ knew _ them.

Taako’s voice wavered as he said, “I was going to start making dinner, and I was thinking about what we were all going to do tonight, since everyone’s finally in one place. And - for  _ just _ a second, I couldn’t think of Barry’s name. And...and you know, you saw all those memories. When Lucretia wiped our memories, the first thing I forgot was Lup’s name. I…” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I can’t do that again, I can’t go through it again.”

“You never will,” Angus assured him. “Fisher and Junior left. No one can take those memories from you again. They’re  _ yours _ , Sir, and they always will be.”

With a choked chuckle, Taako lowered his hands and continued staring at the table. “Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better if I never remembered. Then I wouldn’t know how awful it is to forget. I didn’t miss Lup before I got my memory back, because I didn’t know that she was gone. It didn’t hurt not to have her, because I didn’t know who she was. It’s a blessing and a curse, and I don’t know which one is better.” He sighed and shook his head.

Angus took a moment to consider Taako’s words. He wasn’t entirely wrong; neither side was favorable. Of course Taako would want to know the people closest to him. But the memories that came with that could be too much to bear. 

“I can’t tell you which is better,” Angus eventually began. “But I know that you’re happier when Lup and the rest of them are around. You’re much happier now than you were when we first met on the train, and I think it’s because of the people around you. And knowing them comes with the pain of your past, but would you have done it any other way?”

A silence stretched for several long minutes. Angus began wondering if Taako had any intention to answer the question; if he didn’t, that was okay. He didn’t need to say it out loud, as long as he knew for himself what his answer was.

As Angus was starting to consider if his presence was wanted anymore, Taako said, “I’ve got more regrets than the average person, Ango. There’s plenty I would change. But I wouldn’t trade these memories for anything. It  _ hurts _ to have them, and it hurts to have...flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, the whole nine yards. But I have my  _ sister _ back, and...my whole family. I wouldn’t have them without all of this. And having them is always going to outweigh any bad that comes with it.”

A ghost of a smile made its way onto Angus’s face. “Your family is more important to you than comfort is.”

“Of course you all are.” He said it like it was ridiculous to consider anything else. “This band of idiots is more important to me than anything, so you can imagine how terrifying it is when I can’t think of someone’s name.” Massaging his temples, he admitted, so quietly that Angus had to strain to hear him, “I haven’t forgiven Lucretia. I don’t know if I can. It’s her fault that I’m so afraid of forgetting.”

Telling him that Lucretia was sorry wouldn’t help anything. Taako already knew that. And Lucretia had worked tirelessly to regain the group’s trust. Magnus and Merle had been quick to forgive, and it took the others longer, but most had already put it behind them. It didn’t come as a surprise that Taako was struggling to forgive her, especially if these episodes happened to him more frequently than anyone else knew. It couldn’t be easy to forgive someone who triggered episodes of paralyzing terror that had him sobbing on the floor.

“I don’t know if she expects you to forgive her,” Angus replied. “She knows that what she did was wrong, and part of the reason she didn’t want you to get those memories was because she knew that it would change your relationship for the worse. I think it’s really brave and mature of you to welcome her into your home and cook for her and try to treat her like you would anyone else, even though you haven’t forgiven her. I think it means that you’re trying to.”

At that, one corner of Taako’s mouth tugged upward, just for a moment. “Yeah. I am trying. But it’s going to be a while before I’m there.”

With a shrug, Angus assured, “That’s okay. I’ll stick by you while you try to get there, and you can go at your own pace. Nobody’s trying to force you to go any faster.”

“They better not,” Taako joked, a surefire sign that he was starting to feel better. “I’ll magic missile anyone who tries to manufacture my character development.”

Angus chuckled. “I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I think I support you?”

“Listen, kid.” Taako grew serious once more, but managed to look him in the eye, more life in his expression than had been there a few minutes ago. “You can’t tell anyone that this happened, understand?”

“Well, I…” He feebly gestured between them. “It’s not mine to tell, but...why? Why do you want to hide that you’re hurting? If anyone can help, it’s your friends. They go through some of the same things; they’ll understand.”

Shaking his head, Taako said, “They’re all happy and growing. They’re finally able to move past it all. They don’t need Taako bringing them down with some good old PTSD.”

“Okay,” Angus carefully accepted. “Someone else should really know, though. To help you better than I can.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Taako waved a hand to dismiss Angus’s worries. “Krav knows. He talks me through it. Lup does too, and she helps when she’s here.” With a mirthless laugh, he added, “She’s got her own special brand of PTSD from being in the umbra staff. Must be the twin connection - either we’re both traumatized, or neither of us is.”

“At least you know how best to help each other out.”

He nodded as he stood. “And do you know how you can help me out right now?”

Popping out of his chair, Angus grinned and saluted. “What can I do for you, Sir?”

“You can start by getting me a new bowl to mix spices in, since the first one shattered. Then you’re going to learn how to make Taako Brand Salsa.” He reached into the pantry and began extracting ingredients while Angus did as he was told.

If cooking with Taako was what would make him feel better, then he would gladly cook with him every day. They could make good new memories together in this kitchen. Memories that would never be lost to either of them.


End file.
